Breakdown, not Breaking Dawn

I wrote this review for my book club, so I thought I should publish it here as well. BTW, spoilers galore below. If you haven't read the book and will be mad at me for spoiling it, don't read this - although I think I may be doing you a favor, saving your time and $$$$.




I entered the Twilight Series – not Saga – with a lot of prejudice, since it’s a teenage thing and it seemed it was something like American Idol – very popular among the masses, therefore, just not for me.

Like I’ve said many times, Stephenie Meyer is a terrible writer but a great storyteller. She totally shot herself in the foot this time, betraying the universe she created and breaking all rules. Did she really write this? It seemed like the 3rd installment of Pirates of the Caribbean, where they started the movie not even knowing how it would end.

I have devoured all 4 books in 2 weeks. Boy, was I upset by the final installment… Okay, like any great love story, they marry (as virgins, blergh, but whatever, they marry). And, of all places, they decide to honeymoon in Rio de Janeiro, just the perfect place for a vampire who glows in the presence of sunlight run incognito. *roll eyes* Alright, moving on…

After all many sexy descriptions of Bella & Edward making out, I was looking forward to the PG-13 sex. There was none. What? Seriously, flying pillow feathers, black spots and a destroyed headboard will not satisfy me. But whoohoo, they had sex.

Then I heard the words “little nudger” and threw up in my mouth for the first time. Seriously? Then pain-in-the-ass Rosalie becomes her ally?

First of all, as a major geek, let me explain how come Bella could not get pregnant – yes, I know Stephenie read stories about the Incubus and wanted to incorporate in this universe, but believe me, major fail.

Vampire venom gets in your body and you turn into a vampire, right? It can enter via the neck, or like James did in Twilight, he bit her hand. So, suddenly, Edward injects venom through Bella’s vagina and she becomes… a vampire, right? No! Pregnant! Seriously, what does she want us to think? That Edward’s venom has stem cell properties, becoming whatever it wants to become? Oh for crying out loud!!!! Has she not seen the Mallrats explanation about Superman and Lois Lane?

Then Edward wants her to get an abortion and suggests Bella should have a child with Jacob. WTF??? Then there’s the unnecessary “Jacob narrating an entire section of the book”, and that I cannot comment since I seem to have erased it from my mind.

Let’s flash forward to the birth, shall we? Wasn’t it lovely how graphic the whole thing was? It was almost like the V miniseries from the 80s. Bella throwing up blood, the kid making her paralyzed… I especially loved the part when Edward tore her uterus with his teeth. That was really sweet and so well-described. But not the sex?????????

Then Edward injected venom into her heart. Ah, that made her a vampire. Hmmm, really? Unless the venom has other properties, oh well, moving on…

Then they named the kid Reneesmee – and I threw up in my mouth, again….

Uh, and then Charlie is okay with the whole thing? HE’S A SHERIFF FOR GOD’S SAKE! Stephenie doesn't know what to do with Renee, so she's just MIA for the rest of the book. Uh, and then Jacob imprints on the baby, of course…

Ah, but all of a sudden Bella is this new cool vampire, the queen like the cover of the book. She has the same powers as the most awesome character in the book, of course, revealed on page 597, the wonderful Renata “the bodyguard” Volturi. :P

Oh, yeah, and she just happens to save everyone because she is so perfect she learns to control her ability in, what, a couple of days? And apparently when she and Edward can’t get their hands off each other.

OK, and just to end, we have all that anticipation, all those vampire clans coming together to witness (really – how many witnesses do you need?) and no final battle????????????

[insert cursing words here]

I should have stopped at Eclipse, my favorite book of the 4.

Now, seriously, I was more pissed with the fact that Bella did not have to make a choice. She did not have to abdicate everything to be a vampire. She got it all, the baby, the house, the vampire hubby, the beauty, the coolest powers, the saving everyone... I wanted to see her suffer for something, not have the happily ever after ending. Poor Leah got the short end of the stick and got nothing... And she was a much more interesting character since she actually had a personality.

Now, THIS is better than the book: